Category Archives: WEATHER

STORMY DAY

Not a word from me tonight

Of things that trouble and hurt

Just a word or two

Of storms and clouds 

Of a strawberry and a tomato

Picked from my garden

And a lettuce leaf as well

Do you think anyone knows what its like behind the scenes for any of us who are alone and chronically ill ? I know one dear man in Armidale who has had a liver transplant and now is getting skin cancers and many painful surgeries.  

We all josh around. 

WE all appear in the Outside world when we are able.

But at home and in hospital and on our sick days ……….. does anyone see the fine line across which is stark raving madness or despair ?

The ritualistic patterns I have formed like scaffold around me – preventing total collapse. The re-forming within that. 

And does anyone see the shaking Earth that spasms unexpectedly – The thought of life with Izzy there. So much richer and easier. When I was cherished and cherished. The sudden desire to vomit. 

The waking in the morning and wondering just how well I will be that day.

Will I be able to walk today ?

Will I be able to eat ?

Will I be able to bend and dress ?

My mind rumbles over to all the people who have already gone ahead of me. 

Then I set to work strengthening the Scaffolding. I take some photographs. Visually my life makes sense to me in these days where words matter very little.

These beautiful lines that suit perfectly were written not by me. They were written by Van Badham .

I love them.

“He appeared in my life as some kind of sage, or wizard – a Gandalf or Merlin – grey-bearded, wise to the world, stepping out from the edge of a grey forest at a crossroads, and, smiling, nudging me gently towards my true way.”

PHIL : Today is my 5 year sepsis survivor anniversary! I was going to write something profound, but really not sure what to write… just an encouragement to those of you who are early on in your recovery… things do improve as the years go by… maybe not as quickly as you may want though. 5 years on and I still have some issues (mainly cognitive), but I work, I am here to be Dad to my 3 boys and husband to my wife, I play badminton every 2 weeks, life carries on, and we learn to work around the issues I am left with. My family affectionately call my memory ‘daddies spaghetti brain’!

It takes time to heal, by kind to yourselves, pace – don’t rush, eat well – sleep well, share your emotions with someone you can trust – don’t try to hide them away… it’s ok to not be ‘ok’. I still find it hard to talk about what happened without being a bit weepy! My wife thinks I might gain something from some counselling sessions, and she is probably right, but not sure if I am ready to talk in detail about everything that happened… yes, I still hide some of that away!! Anyhow, life carries on… keep going, don’t give up.

Thank you God for saving me. All the best to all of you. Phil.

ANOTHER RAINY DAY

 

It rained tonight. Heavily with thunder and lightning. We’ve not had much of that for months.

I saw the Doctor in the morning. Most of my blood tests are very good. A slight rise in one of the Liver readings and the rest better than usual.

I have a container to take a urine sample in tomorrow to see what the lower abdomen pain is.

Could be just a 24 hour wog. Miss 8 was home from school with vomiting and Dorbie had been vomiting all day yesterday.I was able to mind the Girls while Kaybee checked on her.

It is Azalea season here. Many years ago we had an Azalea Festival. We don’t now but we still have azaleas.

And we have the Bower Birds. The Regent was back and I have not ever seen them as daring.

At the Kids’ Place, we enjoyed ourselves. And then I looked at the beautiful garden that my Girl is growing.

Miss 8 played the piano for me. No lessons. She just loves it.

And then when night came, the rain came.

I know my writing each day seems shallow but it is the container in which I dwell. The Everyday Living holds my collapsed being into some sort of form.

My Facetime with Eden. My son pleased with his new phone . I sent him my Samsung.

Each routine which is developing and holding fast feels like cardiac resuscitation. My blood begins to flow. My heart begins to beat and now is developing a rhythm. It begins to beat regularly.

I need that because like so many people with disaster in their lives, I am not alright. Not at all. I know that my loved ones simply want me to be OK. So I act as if. But I am not OK. I might never be okay again. In normal terms.

I am sitting here and I am happy enough. I love my new computer. I enjoy my routines. But I am truly truly strange within .

SUCH A LOVELY DAY

I opted out of everything today. The AA Rally. The NA Are Meeting. I slept till Noon. Then a text came asking whether the girls could come and visit.

Down they came in the rain. The first rain we have had for months and months. Umbrellas and Raincoats. We then had one of the best afternoons I have had. The busking amp and computers here and then to the Prov  for lunch. Me doing the driving with a booster seat I bought for Clara. We explored the whole town and went to the park at the Pool. The girls even conned me into using some of the adult equipment there.

It was happy day for me.

First day where I have been able and allowed to drive them around and take them out.

Macman has my computer underway.

I seriously MUST go on the instinct for happiness or I freak out and lose the plot. Enough for now. Bed for me.