I dont know whats going on. I am better today than yesterday but not well. I am happier with a mown yard. The Girls brought me home cooked food and an orange and we laughed a little.
I want to do halloween tomorrow but may not be able to. How does one keep going on like this ?
I call it the year of my dying. I may well live 20-30 more years or I may not live another year – but a surrender into dying is on me. Each time I come down with infections and body failure and a curious disinterest in many things. Each time I am unable to do another thing – like walk to the top of my path – or walk along the verandah , something dies a little. Not even miserably – just in acceptance.
I have been home now for a week or more and only just walking a little freely today. My flat is at the back of a residence and is surrounded by hedges. So – pretty much for a week – there is just me most of the time. Sometimes birds and helpers. But mostly me alone. And mostly deeply content. Sometimes in pain and hurting. Sometimes a little restless and lonesome.
Sometimes my thinking and re-membering wander all over the place. Into the many strange sleep patterns of the last 4 years. Of the hospital stays and sudden emergencies. Of the thinking I was making progress and then failing to hold that progress.
Sometimes I yearn for things. Like going to the Eden Whales Festival and doing halloween and the Fete on Saturday.
But I seem to have been released from clinging to much – even thoughts or emotions. Or desires. I think to myself – I would like to live somewhere else. But its a mild thought and I am happy here.
I think to myself – I wish such and such an event had gone differently – but then I think – no I don’t.
I wonder whether I would sleep if I went to bed now. Things are very much better for me now as regards my beds. They are comfortable. They work. The whole room works.
I have the wheelie walker which I keep beside the bed with my phone and iPad and other oddments in. Then when I go to the loo in the middle of the night I have a buffer and support.
I always thought I would be alone like this as I have been for so much of my life. But after the years with Izzy I began to think that it was a load I would not have to carry alone Then he was gone and aloneness was back but so much more difficult with the degree of illness. And the occasional DAMN I give is mostly over that. I thought I had a helpmeet and companion and lover. But I dont. So I live as I am living now. Into the Dying.
Each time that my Outer World shrinks – I simply adjust but some days it unnerves me.
Now for Bed and Book. My iPhone actually which is turning out to be my favourite.