Each night I sit here, yearning for the words that would make some sense of what is happening to me but finding only scraps.
I dont know what is happening. Sometimes I think I am slowly dying. Slowly fading away. I am just SO ill and so weak and I have run out of any ideas about how to get help.
So the days come and I cherish the hours – But I cant walk more than a few metres and I can’t play as I would like to do. At the moment I have head fuzz as well and am just so very sick.
Today, Miss 5 came for a picnic and we were so happy. We played in water and made potions and lotions and the enormity of the love still brings a couple of tear even hours later. I have a desire to call my boy. I dont know how long I can go on like this.
I can play just a little. But I cant take her for a drive or go swimming. I want to go to Eden but I can’t face that trip.
Most days and for the major part of every day, I am able to accept what I CAN DO and leave go of the rest – but today I am a little beaten and solemn. I vomit when I eat. I have pain in my side. My vision is blurred. And I keep thinking I am in a Farewelling.
O God. My house is clean. I had a beautiful day. But I am so very sick.
I am home and almost unable to walk. I was thinking I felt pretty weak and the doctor just rang and said there is something amiss in my bloods and urine and I am to come in on Friday. I am relieved because I feel really very poorly.
SUSTAINING me is the truly beautiful weekend which was rich in joy.
My little girls just brought my macaroni and cheese up and stayed and played. We love those times. The moon is out and looking good.
One of the delights of my life is the visits from the Little Ones and our chats and rambling discussions. The Doctor called twice today to say that the bloods and urines are abnormal. Candida is present and something in the blood. I am to go in on Friday. I have red cellulitis patch on the back of my leg and heavy fluid. I feel very very poorly and sometimes it makes me sad. I never truly expected to be driven into the places of the Spirit where I now dwell. Never really expected to be wondering whether I could keep breathing for another day or walk or eat. And I definitely didn’t expect that I would find a way to see richness joy and beauty in these times.
It rained tonight. Heavily with thunder and lightning. We’ve not had much of that for months.
I saw the Doctor in the morning. Most of my blood tests are very good. A slight rise in one of the Liver readings and the rest better than usual.
I have a container to take a urine sample in tomorrow to see what the lower abdomen pain is.
Could be just a 24 hour wog. Miss 8 was home from school with vomiting and Dorbie had been vomiting all day yesterday.I was able to mind the Girls while Kaybee checked on her.
It is Azalea season here. Many years ago we had an Azalea Festival. We don’t now but we still have azaleas.
And we have the Bower Birds. The Regent was back and I have not ever seen them as daring.
At the Kids’ Place, we enjoyed ourselves. And then I looked at the beautiful garden that my Girl is growing.
Miss 8 played the piano for me. No lessons. She just loves it.
And then when night came, the rain came.
I know my writing each day seems shallow but it is the container in which I dwell. The Everyday Living holds my collapsed being into some sort of form.
My Facetime with Eden. My son pleased with his new phone . I sent him my Samsung.
Each routine which is developing and holding fast feels like cardiac resuscitation. My blood begins to flow. My heart begins to beat and now is developing a rhythm. It begins to beat regularly.
I need that because like so many people with disaster in their lives, I am not alright. Not at all. I know that my loved ones simply want me to be OK. So I act as if. But I am not OK. I might never be okay again. In normal terms.
I am sitting here and I am happy enough. I love my new computer. I enjoy my routines. But I am truly truly strange within .