A rainy cool day. Phone calls with Arkue and then a surprise visit from the Girls and their aunt and cousin. Just lovely. Got some food into me.Little bit. Little bit. Facetimed with Eden and now bed with the rain still falling.
I drive out to Amoonguna to tell family he is right I sit down with his Aunty, round the campfire, in the night I ask her to explain the pelicans and the meaning of the sign She laughs and whispers,
‘Arrangkwe just 2 pelicans in the sky!’
ALI COBBY ECKERMANN
Poet’s Note: arrangkwe – (arrente word) means no, nothing, no-one
I live this strange small life of being almost entirely at home alone. Of eating almost no food at all. Of sleeping almost all of everyday. I am no longer at ease amongst other people – but I am deeply at ease within myself – most of the time. Of very little shopping or eating out. I graze from the vegies in the garden.
Perhaps I am mixing a little piece of Nana in the Girls. One that they can each carry for the rest of their lives. Pieces of me passing into my Girl and my Boy. Perhaps I am dissolving. Shimmering as JB called it. And leaving them just some of the best of me. Perhaps one day they will use it.
When I looked at Izzy lying in the dirt of the road, it seemed to me that his goodness and desire to be of good was simply more than his body could hold and it seemed to me that he had splintered into millions of shards of light and gone dancing off to all the people places and things that needed him.
As for me I do the opposite. I gradually fade away. Gradually shimmer to there is little left of Lynne in the world. I am now as fragile as the white hibiscus I loved at the Beachshack. Translucent.
At dawn, when sunshine spills across the grass, my eye is drawn to fuzzy globes of light that float and flit on gauzy wings. They pass down low to skim the dandelions, their flight controlled, describing angles as they go criss-crossing rapidly without a pause which makes it hard to see them clearly, though here’s one that hovers near, defying laws of physics… Oh. It’s just a dragonfly. A pity, for I thought I’d seen the dance of sylvan sprites. Ah, Mother Nature’s sly: for where there’s prey there’ll always be a chance, and here’s a tic-tac-toe of silver webs to catch the morning fairies by the legs.
My brother and his husband come visiting this weekend and we had the sweetest of times. Happy times. We ate at the Federal and at Red Gum and it was true family love. We went to the Pool for the Morning and they both came to see my place which is looking particularly good with the hedge trimmed and my view restored and the inside Cleaned. The hard times have brought us to a kindly place as a family. Petty stuff just don’t matter any more. It never actually did.
Later today a Friend from Toormie came visiting and it is likewise with us. She has been very very ill since 2015 and we need few words to speak well with one another.
I went to a Urunga Market not long after Iz died and went into a tarot reader for no special reason and without my telling her one single thing she said ” HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW THAT HE DID NOT DIE FROM THEY SAY HE DID. “
I believe he died from Sepsis and chemical poisoning.
As for today. I got a phone call and Miss 8 was too sick for school but Miss 5 had Kinder orientation so I ended up with a 2hour visit with one of my Girls. M and M cleared my verandah of rubbish and the lother Girls brought lunch. She LOVED her orientation.
Young C came to visit later and Deb came for a chat.
Facetime with Eden now and soon bed. Still at home. Still weak . but OK. II shall remain calm even when I miss another thing I want to do. I shall accept that I have another lengthy recovery ahead of me and be glad for each small improvement. I have eaten twice today. The pain is now minimal.I have had visitors.And I have a very good book to read.
On Friday I turned 69 years of age. After 2 weeks of being very ill, I went to the Valla NA weekend which we have spent so many months planning. I was in a wheelchair for the weekend which felt very strange but worked. My Girl drove me down and with the Little Girls we had lunch in the Valla Cafe. Then they took me to the Venue and booked me into my cabin and the Kids swam and played in the Cabin. It was a weekend like the ones I first went to in early recovery. Simply Magic. Each thing fell into place. People played a part and Some very fine people were there. I shall not write much tonight because I am still very weary but it fulfilled every hope I had had for it.