I feel a little better and the car feels a little worse.
ONE MORE DAY.
DOROTHY DAY : “Writing is an act of community. It is a letter, it is comforting, consoling, helping, advising on our part, as well as asking it on yours. It is a part of our human association with each other. It is an expression of our love and concern for each other.”
A rainy cool day. Phone calls with Arkue and then a surprise visit from the Girls and their aunt and cousin. Just lovely. Got some food into me.Little bit. Little bit. Facetimed with Eden and now bed with the rain still falling.
I drive out to Amoonguna to tell family he is right I sit down with his Aunty, round the campfire, in the night I ask her to explain the pelicans and the meaning of the sign She laughs and whispers,
‘Arrangkwe just 2 pelicans in the sky!’
ALI COBBY ECKERMANN
Poet’s Note: arrangkwe – (arrente word) means no, nothing, no-one
I live this strange small life of being almost entirely at home alone. Of eating almost no food at all. Of sleeping almost all of everyday. I am no longer at ease amongst other people – but I am deeply at ease within myself – most of the time. Of very little shopping or eating out. I graze from the vegies in the garden.
Perhaps I am mixing a little piece of Nana in the Girls. One that they can each carry for the rest of their lives. Pieces of me passing into my Girl and my Boy. Perhaps I am dissolving. Shimmering as JB called it. And leaving them just some of the best of me. Perhaps one day they will use it.
When I looked at Izzy lying in the dirt of the road, it seemed to me that his goodness and desire to be of good was simply more than his body could hold and it seemed to me that he had splintered into millions of shards of light and gone dancing off to all the people places and things that needed him.
As for me I do the opposite. I gradually fade away. Gradually shimmer to there is little left of Lynne in the world. I am now as fragile as the white hibiscus I loved at the Beachshack. Translucent.
At dawn, when sunshine spills across the grass, my eye is drawn to fuzzy globes of light that float and flit on gauzy wings. They pass down low to skim the dandelions, their flight controlled, describing angles as they go criss-crossing rapidly without a pause which makes it hard to see them clearly, though here’s one that hovers near, defying laws of physics… Oh. It’s just a dragonfly. A pity, for I thought I’d seen the dance of sylvan sprites. Ah, Mother Nature’s sly: for where there’s prey there’ll always be a chance, and here’s a tic-tac-toe of silver webs to catch the morning fairies by the legs.
Well the spectacular exertion of yesterday left me in bed once more.Didn’t matter. Read the Lee Child book. Ate strawberries and tomatoes from the garden and a lettuce leaf. My Eden people are on Facetime. Jaybee is carving and Poppy is doing something or other for her sister. Kathy is 19 today.
Jaybee recommended a book for me and I bought it on iBooks. Doesn’t appeal to me but he is my main source of new authors and he REALLY likes this one so I shall venture in.
Each night I sit here, yearning for the words that would make some sense of what is happening to me but finding only scraps.
I dont know what is happening. Sometimes I think I am slowly dying. Slowly fading away. I am just SO ill and so weak and I have run out of any ideas about how to get help.
So the days come and I cherish the hours – But I cant walk more than a few metres and I can’t play as I would like to do. At the moment I have head fuzz as well and am just so very sick.
Today, Miss 5 came for a picnic and we were so happy. We played in water and made potions and lotions and the enormity of the love still brings a couple of tear even hours later. I have a desire to call my boy. I dont know how long I can go on like this.
I can play just a little. But I cant take her for a drive or go swimming. I want to go to Eden but I can’t face that trip.
Most days and for the major part of every day, I am able to accept what I CAN DO and leave go of the rest – but today I am a little beaten and solemn. I vomit when I eat. I have pain in my side. My vision is blurred. And I keep thinking I am in a Farewelling.
O God. My house is clean. I had a beautiful day. But I am so very sick.
I stayed down today. The level of weakness after this last episode is still taking me by surprise but the worst of the pain is gone and LOOK AT MY LEGS – damned well almost normal. That is very rare.
This total reconstruction of myself is something else. There is absolutely never an ordinary day anymore. I have no idea in what condition I will be when I wake up nor what will develop. I am getting better at it. More skilled. But it is not relaxing and not an experience I would have chosen.
This week I have been longing for one of those miracle type things that come unexpectedly from outside. Could be anything but just something beyond the little steps of progress I am making.
Maybe like when Izzy came into my life. Or when Jo and Mad O’Brien met. Or the babies. Or – SOMETHING.
It doesn’t take me long to settle back down, put on today’s gear and bundle and tromp along some more – but it sure would be nice.
I am also aware today of the advantages of being this old. There are many things I no longer have to deal with. I can stay in bed all day if I wish or need to.
I dont have to worry about getting pregnant.
I have some very fine memories.
And lately I seem to be able to incorporate the memories into my being. Not regretting their passing or yearning for more. They are simply an integral part of me.
As I have said often – this is not a time where words have been terribly important to me. They ruled much of my life but they no longer do. Something in the Spirit matters more.
My brother and his husband come visiting this weekend and we had the sweetest of times. Happy times. We ate at the Federal and at Red Gum and it was true family love. We went to the Pool for the Morning and they both came to see my place which is looking particularly good with the hedge trimmed and my view restored and the inside Cleaned. The hard times have brought us to a kindly place as a family. Petty stuff just don’t matter any more. It never actually did.
Later today a Friend from Toormie came visiting and it is likewise with us. She has been very very ill since 2015 and we need few words to speak well with one another.