Not much from me.
I remain desolee.
Not much from me.
I remain desolee.
Each night I sit here, yearning for the words that would make some sense of what is happening to me but finding only scraps.
I dont know what is happening. Sometimes I think I am slowly dying. Slowly fading away. I am just SO ill and so weak and I have run out of any ideas about how to get help.
So the days come and I cherish the hours – But I cant walk more than a few metres and I can’t play as I would like to do. At the moment I have head fuzz as well and am just so very sick.
Today, Miss 5 came for a picnic and we were so happy. We played in water and made potions and lotions and the enormity of the love still brings a couple of tear even hours later. I have a desire to call my boy. I dont know how long I can go on like this.
I can play just a little. But I cant take her for a drive or go swimming. I want to go to Eden but I can’t face that trip.
Most days and for the major part of every day, I am able to accept what I CAN DO and leave go of the rest – but today I am a little beaten and solemn. I vomit when I eat. I have pain in my side. My vision is blurred. And I keep thinking I am in a Farewelling.
O God. My house is clean. I had a beautiful day. But I am so very sick.
JUST STAY BEATEN. JUST PLAIN GIVE UP.
The Doctor is a sweetheart. However, it was as I expected. He listened looked at me and told me to come back in 2 weeks.
I shed a tear. Something I rarely do.
I told him I have PSS but he had never heard of it.
So I came home. Well, first I met Kaybee at Grams. Se is living in the same horror movie as me. But she is older, deaf and hasn’t lived alone like me.
Then I came home and had hoped to go to Aldi with the Girls but I am still far too weak.
Some things are beyond words because the words do no good.
I have 2 fans now from Kaybee and the flat is sweet and cool.
Now miserable though I am at the moment and fully worn out, I am also lucky enough to have sustained a few ways of thinking and feeling for a year or more that keep me doing dandy.
One is ACCEPTANCE in a way I did not expect. And an awareness that it has actually been a damned fine life that I have led.
A freedom from feeling that I should, could or need to – fix anything for anyone.
A peace of a strange kind is usually with me. A kindness to my Self. An affection for people.
Most of the time I am free of Fear and Discouragement. Didn’t expect that.
I dont know whats going on. I am better today than yesterday but not well. I am happier with a mown yard. The Girls brought me home cooked food and an orange and we laughed a little.
I want to do halloween tomorrow but may not be able to. How does one keep going on like this ?
I call it the year of my dying. I may well live 20-30 more years or I may not live another year – but a surrender into dying is on me. Each time I come down with infections and body failure and a curious disinterest in many things. Each time I am unable to do another thing – like walk to the top of my path – or walk along the verandah , something dies a little. Not even miserably – just in acceptance.
I have been home now for a week or more and only just walking a little freely today. My flat is at the back of a residence and is surrounded by hedges. So – pretty much for a week – there is just me most of the time. Sometimes birds and helpers. But mostly me alone. And mostly deeply content. Sometimes in pain and hurting. Sometimes a little restless and lonesome.
Sometimes my thinking and re-membering wander all over the place. Into the many strange sleep patterns of the last 4 years. Of the hospital stays and sudden emergencies. Of the thinking I was making progress and then failing to hold that progress.
Sometimes I yearn for things. Like going to the Eden Whales Festival and doing halloween and the Fete on Saturday.
But I seem to have been released from clinging to much – even thoughts or emotions. Or desires. I think to myself – I would like to live somewhere else. But its a mild thought and I am happy here.
I think to myself – I wish such and such an event had gone differently – but then I think – no I don’t.
I wonder whether I would sleep if I went to bed now. Things are very much better for me now as regards my beds. They are comfortable. They work. The whole room works.
I have the wheelie walker which I keep beside the bed with my phone and iPad and other oddments in. Then when I go to the loo in the middle of the night I have a buffer and support.
I always thought I would be alone like this as I have been for so much of my life. But after the years with Izzy I began to think that it was a load I would not have to carry alone Then he was gone and aloneness was back but so much more difficult with the degree of illness. And the occasional DAMN I give is mostly over that. I thought I had a helpmeet and companion and lover. But I dont. So I live as I am living now. Into the Dying.
Each time that my Outer World shrinks – I simply adjust but some days it unnerves me.
Now for Bed and Book. My iPhone actually which is turning out to be my favourite.
Cool Grey Dampish. I am up and in a little less pain. Not kicking footballs yet but somewhat better.. I am having a cup of coffee. Not unusual for many but I rarely do so. Black instant coffee with heaps of sugar.
2BBB local radio on and washing on. and as it approaches noon I my eyes are turning to my bed.
A phone call from the Doc. The blood results havent come back. She is contacting the labs. My gardeners havent come. The fluid tablets have kicked at last. I need an hour or two in bed now.
I have the shivers now and the shakes and feel depressed. The Doc rang back. Potassium is back to normal. Stop taking it. I dont give a damn what any of the readings are. I cant walk. My legs are very swollen and if every test they take says I am OK – I AM NOT.
A week at home mostly alone and still swollen and crippled. And frightened again I guess.
Mitch and Mon came today and did my lawns and a huge tidy up outside. They bring sunlight to me. Young and vital and delighted to be living up here.
NOW FOR BED.
Another crippled up day.. Another day of medicines. Swollen feet and legs.
My body feels like it has been beaten all over and my head is now blancmange. Jeesh I have only been out once this week. Friday to the Doctor.
And confusion. I dont know what to do. I certainly wont be writing anything inspirational for you. I just sit here and wait for the pain tp pass, Sit here and wait to walk again.
I just SIT. And when I am weary enough I get into bed which is itself difficult and hope that sleep will come gently. I seek deeper meaning but find none. I am quite happy except when I try to move. My Eden peoplesaw echidna yesterday and the necklace Dean Beale made for me has echidna quills and kangaroo bone. Seems to me that I pass through a day and see, hear and learn things. And then I smile. Much of the tortuous thinking has gone these days. There is no use kicking at the Goads.Staying in one place has reduced struggle very much. Having Aged Care in place has done the same thing.
So bed comes soon and a book. Well I read on my iPhone which I am enjoying. Bed and warmth and sleep.
I am home and almost unable to walk. I was thinking I felt pretty weak and the doctor just rang and said there is something amiss in my bloods and urine and I am to come in on Friday. I am relieved because I feel really very poorly.
SUSTAINING me is the truly beautiful weekend which was rich in joy.
My little girls just brought my macaroni and cheese up and stayed and played. We love those times. The moon is out and looking good.
One of the delights of my life is the visits from the Little Ones and our chats and rambling discussions. The Doctor called twice today to say that the bloods and urines are abnormal. Candida is present and something in the blood. I am to go in on Friday. I have red cellulitis patch on the back of my leg and heavy fluid. I feel very very poorly and sometimes it makes me sad. I never truly expected to be driven into the places of the Spirit where I now dwell. Never really expected to be wondering whether I could keep breathing for another day or walk or eat. And I definitely didn’t expect that I would find a way to see richness joy and beauty in these times.