Category Archives: AGED CARE

SERIOUS FECKING SHITE

I can barely walk or even stand. Barely eat. Barely sit up.

The pain in my upper legs is staggering and I am struggling to get up. I can only barely breathe. Its a bit scary. Well it ought to be scary but I do believe I am too ill to give a shit.

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A WHEELCHAIR

I went to the doctor today. Dr N because Dr D is away. It was a very interesting visit. We spoke of aboriginality and many other things. My Girls dropped me there and Rosie picked me up. Today is Rosie’s Day. It is a part of the thread of my life now.  It means my house is clean and all is well.  Clara thinks that Rosie cleans the toilets so that ghosts dont come up out of the bowl and for some reason she has much the same effect on my week. 

Big John  called and Valla double booked the venue and so we have a free upgrade to the Wool Shed which is flash. Nic is down from the North and ready to shop. Things are on the move. 

Tomorrow is my 69th birthday. 

The Girls are taking me to Valla, my beloved Girls that is. Taking Miss 8 out of school early and then we will lunch at the cafe and they will drop me at the Venue for the weekend. I have a wheelchair which I am meant to use. I have a cabin booked which Nic is to share with me. She is cooking for the whole crowd.

We dont know how many people are coming but there are a good few. From Albury and Gold Coast and Byron and Armidale and more places. One of the rehabs is coming. 

I was awake for the dawn this morning. I am feeling a good deal better especially with the antibiotics completed. They made me feel sick.  I have eaten dinner tonight and didnt get nauseous at all. 

I had a great talk about aboriginality with the Doc I saw today. And she said I was one of the Women about whom the logo BECAUSE OF HER WE CAN was written. 

No I am definitely feeling better than I have been and now I face the daemons that I now spend my life with. The going away for a weekend. The Mixing with people. The weekend lies before me and people from all over are in touch with me through the Facebook Group. Big John and Helen are working hard as. And I remain in my own retreated wild world. 

ONE STEP AT A TIME.

I might go to bed soon. Tomorrow is a big day for me. 

Bed is next. I am doing the best I can here. Trying to nudge people along and be the comic which seems to be my role. I like being at home. I like the gentle lapping routine that has formed.  I find the rest of the world very difficult. But I am going out. I am going away for 2 days. About 20 kms away. And it disconcerts me – but I am going. 

SUNDAY NIGHT

Before I was twenty, I never worried about what other people thought of me. But after I was twenty I worried endlessly about all the impressions I made and how people were evaluating me. Only sometime after turning fifty did I realize that they hardly ever thought about me at all. Anthony de Mello, One Minute Wisdom

If I ever left here, where would I go — to the realm of people all trouble and peril?

Po Chui-i (from “My Thatch Hut”)

When I met Izzy in 2007, a world opened for me which I had long given up on. My children and grandchildren were far away. I had lived for many years without a partner or helpmeet and I had lived in poverty. With Izzy I began to dream and possibilities opened up. WE LIVED. We planned and we did things and we loved greatly. When he went so suddenly – something inside of me shattered and then when I became so ill and damaged , hope became an unknown word. To this very day, each step is heavy. The dreams and plans have faded and I live one day – and then the next. Some of them I enjoy. On occasion I feel useful. Often I find great beauty in a day but the ease of life with him is gone and all business matters are once more in my hands and finances are tight. Everything I do I do with difficulty. It has not been easy to return to the living of the grinding poverty and the heavy load. Here in the Casa I have set myself free to live in the way I feel happiest.

We have been very strenuously conditioned against solitude. To be alone is considered to be a grievous and dangerous condition. … I suggest that people who like to be alone, who walk alone, will perhaps be serious workers in the art field. … To live fully and effectively, the idea of achievement must be given up.

Agnes Martin, Writings (2004)

lynne 2 It seems to be an unpopular thing to say at the moment but I have never been raped despite leading an extremely dodgy lifestyle. I saw no man lay a hand on a woman when I was a child or young adult. I saw the fallibilities of male and female and the idiosynchronicities of many people. As I do today. I know terrible things happen but mass hysteria is a very dangerous and inaccurate thing. It also impacts upon the people who have truly suffered. I do not recall an era of my life where the Blame Game was played so vigorously in so many areas. I do not care for demonising of any one group, person or philosophy.
Ask yourself What was my role in this ? What can I do about it now ? And then go deeper and find your own first deep wound.

MOWING AND RAIN

I saw the sunrise this morning. They are less dramatic here where I am kind of boxed in somewhat. Down at Raleigh I had them full on and then at the Beachshack I could take a wee pony ride around and catch them over the lagoon and the Lido. Here they are less dramatic but I still face the East and I can still see them. This morning the colour was more vivid than usual and I was more awake than I usually am.

It was a rainy grey day which was again pleasant and restful. I so do not wish to leave home at the moment and I am not. The gardens are growing and birds are coming. . Mitch and Mon came to do the mowing and yards. Beautiful young people. I feel better with their visits. 

I think the cellulitis is receding. My body seems to be able to handle it. I am taking the antibiotic but the swelling is not much and there is little heat associated. 

I am on Facetime with Eden. 

CLEANING AND COMPUTERS

Home again all day. This time Rosie came and MacMan. MacMan has salvaged all my data from the old Ext Hard Drives and Rosie did my shopping and cleaned the house. I think I have cellulitis again and I got an antibiotic script filled. 

I AM AT PEACE AGAIN. ONE MORE DAY. 

My head is not crazy. I function much better when I get these enormous amounts of rest and sleep. I function better too when I have NO commitments and very little contact with People. 

I dont feel like eating.

I dont feel like whupping myself into shape.

I dont feel like nuffin much.

I dont even feel like visiting the Girls

Or travelling to Sydney and Eden.

I just want to set here. 

I just want to set here and potter.

I JUST WANT TO BE SAFE.

I just want to have no money fears or body suffering. I just dont want to lose anything or anyone more. 

Soon I shall return to bed. Read a little. Maybe dream sweetly. Everything is clean and my affairs are in some degree of order.  Maybe tomorrow I shall see the Girls. Maybe not. 

Outside is very quiet . I like it that way.

WET AND CHILLY

It was Book Week Parade today but I missed the text so I didn’t know we were going. Instead I spent another day in bed which was once more rather pleasant with the cool weather and the dampness. My Support Planner from Aged Care called and offered me all manner of things like a wheelchair and the yard work and she wants me to call MyAgedCare and see about going for the Higher Order Package. Its full moon and Libra has arrived. I am so very tired. I am also strangely content.


a full moon

a full belly

an empty head

and soul at rest

MY MISERY IS REFUNDED

I had another miserable kind of a day.  Still just too ill to function. It is actually World Sepsis Day.I am not as crook as I was on World Sepsis Day 2014.

13 september 2014

Nonetheless I felt crook and could not do the things I wanted to do. Rosie didn’t come today . A girl called Sharlene came. That was interesting . It turned out I rented her house for 6 weeks, 21 years ago and I recognised her. We didn’t get much housecleaning done but we had a good yarn. 

Then the sparkle came into my day. It was Miss 5’s first orientation day for big school and when they came home I walked up and visited. Light hearted fun. Kaybee and Miss 8 cooked dinner and Miss 5 sat in a large box and watched videos. I came on home and Eden called on FaceTime , one day early. Ruined all my whingeing. Then I saw a light at my front door and it was Miss 8 with a head light on and bearing a meal – the one she had cooked with her Mum. The atmosphere has lightened once more. I asked whether she was OK walking home by herself and she said it was terrifying so I walked her up to the top and watched her all the way home. 

ROSIE’S DAY

Real crook again. Lots of pain.  Ah Geesh. I dont know what to do. Today I have pain internally. Lower abdomen and groin. Maybe a UTI. Even sitting is painful.

It dont matter. The Girls haven’t been here or called but today was Rosie’s day and she got things done. The Vaccuum Cleaner and the whole house cleaned and a small shopping trip done. She weeded the garden and chatted.

Being able to stay in one place for a goodly length of time is improving my life a lot. I am not LOSING all the time. After Izzy’s death it was a long process of loss. One thing after another. The Coma and my health. Income reduced . Possessions decimated. Loss and then another and then another. I was scrabbling all the time just to survive.

Now gradually, gradually I have improvements. Some things stay intact. Some increase. My computer setup is very sweet with 2 screens. I like my iPhone and I have the iPad beside me for Netflix. I have a washing machine and vaccum cleaner and many small dignities including Rosie’s Days.

I have a good bed to sleep in now. Little graces and dignities of Life. Some days I actually have small dreams. I would like two desks here beside me and a bookshelf.

I went out Monday to the Shops with the Girls but I don’t know many other days that I have been out. Oh wait. I went to the Open Mic. Mostly I have been at home and I am feeling much better for it.

POTTERING I call it. It suits me well.

THE NEW MAC

MacMan came today and set my new computer up. It is so good. A MacBook Pro with HP monitor. This is a different world and I like it. I stayed home all day being shown the ropes of it.  MacMan is much like Izzy was – slow and thorough. I am so flippy that at first with Izzy I found it difficult . As though I had a tether on me but I learned the advantages of work done carefully and accurately. That’s what happened today.

PICKING UP A MONITOR

This morning MacMan called to say he had the computer so I said I would go and fetch the monitor from the Kids. Turned out we decided the monitor may be too old or the purpose. Nonetheless I stayed there the whole day. A family day. Just about my most cherished of days. We played and talked and made Fathers Day cards. Then Tad and his Mum came and how we wished we could help her. Deep in the bowels of grief and illness and age and everything associated with that. It was a good visit even though not a happy one.

Seems that MacMan is hard at work on my new Mac. I shall buy a monitor in a few weeks when I have enough money. Meantime I shall use the laptop as it is. A 13 incher.

My daughter grows Lavender. She says she is connected to it. She says she is going to retire to Tangiers one day.

I did not even attempt to go to meeting or shop. I am, like my former mother in law – FRIED. Poor Lady she is older than I am. And that is terribly tough.

I went for a monitor but found I had gone for an entirely different reason.

My Son In Law makes knives.

Now its Facetime with Eden. I begin to feel safe once again and less ruffled.

HYDE STREET BELLINGEN

I came across that GenusLoci reading yesterday and it made a great deal of sense to me about many of the things I have lived by and believed in and instinctually followed. I have friends galumphing all over the place – which they are welcome to do but so very few of them come back ALTERED.  In 1973 when Tony and I went North randomly heading around Australia, we really didn’t get far because JUST LOOKING meant little to us. We stopped at Port Douglas and lived in a tent on 4 mile beach and grew to know the people and the place.

I have rather a nasty disdain for TOURISM and tourist resorts.

I grew up in a suburb of Sydney called Belmore. I lived there the first 20 years of my life and it never had the least hold on my spirit or any part of me. Never has. I came here at the end of 1973. Mum and Dad honeymooned here in 1948 and we came every year for holidays. It called me Home and that is what it has remained, Sometimes I go away. Back to the City to live for a time when I got clean. Up to the Tweed when the Kids were both gone and grown.Both of those places call to me as does Eden which I only found in 2013.

But then I come Home. Amongst my people. Amongst my ghosts. Amongst the seeds of the future.

GENUS LOCI.

Including the very deep philosphy that has dwelt within me for as long as I can recall. Call it anarchy. Call it whatever you like – but mostly , mostly I have had the great good fortune to live it. To live by my deeper beliefs. That is a very wonderful thing.

GENUS LOCI.

THE FOOTBRIDGE AT URUNGA