I had a phone call at 9am from Miss 5. She wanted me to go and see their new ENORMOUS TV. I put her off till later but one hour later I got a Video call from her so I gave up on my sleepin and headed up. It IS enormous.
Today was heavy flooding in Sydney. It looked like it would here but it passed over us.
I am on a new antibiotic. The ulcer on my leg is not going away.
I went to Toormina with Miss 5 and Kaybee today. I was very much looking forwards to it but I was worse even than normal .Barely able to walk even with a trolley to lean on. Couldn’t even do Aldi. I sat in the car with Miss 5. I could not choose Xmas gifts or food.
Its too hard. Too hard indeed.
I have pain in my right side. Great weakness.Blurry thinking.Some days I think I am simply dying a little bit at a time.
I have a microwave and an air conditioner ordered. It doesnt seem to matter tonight.
“Resting is not laziness, it’s medicine!” Glenn Schweitzer
It is a tough path this one. I am now so confined to home through a combo of weakness and lack of a vehicle and steep hills. I am so weary and so ill that finally I have lost all humour about it. O God I could do with a companion who wasn’t fazed by this.
I seem to have dropped from 100kg to 89 with the infections dormant and the fluid dropped. That feels better. But everything else is so hard. So many things I would like to do and I cannot do them.
I wish I had someone who would take me for drives and maybe a saltwater swim.
I wish that I could see sustained improvement – but I can’t. Tonight a despair is settling upon me and a total dearth of ideas.
I DID HOWEVER HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES EARLIER IN THE WEEK.
“If opening your eyes, or getting out of bed, or holding a spoon, or combing your hair is the daunting Mount Everest you climb today, that is okay.” Carmen Ambrosio
“All great and precious things are lonely.” John Steinbeck, East of Eden
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” F. Scott Fitzgerald
“I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.” T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
“Sometimes you will be in control of your illness and other times you’ll sink into despair, and that’s OK! Freak out, forgive yourself, and try again tomorrow.”
I feel a little better and the car feels a little worse.
ONE MORE DAY.
DOROTHY DAY : “Writing is an act of community. It is a letter, it is comforting, consoling, helping, advising on our part, as well as asking it on yours. It is a part of our human association with each other. It is an expression of our love and concern for each other.”
A rainy cool day. Phone calls with Arkue and then a surprise visit from the Girls and their aunt and cousin. Just lovely. Got some food into me.Little bit. Little bit. Facetimed with Eden and now bed with the rain still falling.
I drive out to Amoonguna to tell family he is right I sit down with his Aunty, round the campfire, in the night I ask her to explain the pelicans and the meaning of the sign She laughs and whispers,
‘Arrangkwe just 2 pelicans in the sky!’
ALI COBBY ECKERMANN
Poet’s Note: arrangkwe – (arrente word) means no, nothing, no-one
I live this strange small life of being almost entirely at home alone. Of eating almost no food at all. Of sleeping almost all of everyday. I am no longer at ease amongst other people – but I am deeply at ease within myself – most of the time. Of very little shopping or eating out. I graze from the vegies in the garden.
Perhaps I am mixing a little piece of Nana in the Girls. One that they can each carry for the rest of their lives. Pieces of me passing into my Girl and my Boy. Perhaps I am dissolving. Shimmering as JB called it. And leaving them just some of the best of me. Perhaps one day they will use it.
When I looked at Izzy lying in the dirt of the road, it seemed to me that his goodness and desire to be of good was simply more than his body could hold and it seemed to me that he had splintered into millions of shards of light and gone dancing off to all the people places and things that needed him.
As for me I do the opposite. I gradually fade away. Gradually shimmer to there is little left of Lynne in the world. I am now as fragile as the white hibiscus I loved at the Beachshack. Translucent.
At dawn, when sunshine spills across the grass, my eye is drawn to fuzzy globes of light that float and flit on gauzy wings. They pass down low to skim the dandelions, their flight controlled, describing angles as they go criss-crossing rapidly without a pause which makes it hard to see them clearly, though here’s one that hovers near, defying laws of physics… Oh. It’s just a dragonfly. A pity, for I thought I’d seen the dance of sylvan sprites. Ah, Mother Nature’s sly: for where there’s prey there’ll always be a chance, and here’s a tic-tac-toe of silver webs to catch the morning fairies by the legs.
Well the spectacular exertion of yesterday left me in bed once more.Didn’t matter. Read the Lee Child book. Ate strawberries and tomatoes from the garden and a lettuce leaf. My Eden people are on Facetime. Jaybee is carving and Poppy is doing something or other for her sister. Kathy is 19 today.
Jaybee recommended a book for me and I bought it on iBooks. Doesn’t appeal to me but he is my main source of new authors and he REALLY likes this one so I shall venture in.